on a clear day
on a clear day
i am with you
whose small skull
fits in the palm
of my hand
whose eyes are green
and searching
there’s no wind here
no rain
not yet
these things come up
always do
but just now
you’re resting
still beside me
all these years
falling away as
the weight you’ve been
losing since that morning
you stopped eating
yesterday – no, a few days now
the nights blend in.
i keep the candles on
-they’re fake-
but their glow in the dark
keeps a glimmer
round your path
in case it’s tonight
that you walk it.
i’ve never known
how to die
it’s a secret my world
tried to keep
from me
i’ve heard death happens
in quiet places
and very loud
but i’ve not seen it
which most people say
means i’m lucky
but i think they’re wrong
i think i’m lucky now
to see this dying
see you dying
as the softness
and brittleness
works upon your flesh
small being
my friend.
it’s true
the stench of your body
is filling up the room
it’s true there are
toxins building up
in your organs
it’s true that you’ve
pissed yourself
a few times now
and it’s true
that one day
it will be me
unable to stand
eat
or make it
to the bathroom
it’s true that it’s not
elegant
but neither is birth
which doesn’t make
these moments
any less holy
whether i am
washing your urine
or breathing beside you
which is where
love comes in
i guess.
you’ve grown light
in my arms
mastering something
i’ve struggled with
on and off
since all those times
it hurt too much
to let myself
be held.
i think we fear
there will be no one
to clean up our piss
or hold us
limping
when we cannot walk
and it’s true
that there might not be
but you never know
how kindness
might find you
or when
or how death might
come fast or slow
you never know.
did i mention
that you are a cat?
but that doesn’t mean
you aren’t also
my mother and father
brothers and sisters
my teacher
my child
my friend
brave enough
to go first
making me brave
enough to witness
the secret we all
keep
- i’m dying
it’s true that i am
one day
one day
you too
one day
but still love
not yet.